Recovering from a breakup or divorce

Breaking up from a serious relationship, can be devastating and recovering from it can be a treacherously difficult road. Sometimes people are n’t able to recover easily. Many, although appearing to be over it, still carry the pain with them and can continue to carry the fear of getting close to a partner again.

Whilst there may be many suggestions to be found, here are some ways to help you through this time so you can recover and get your life back on track – enabling you to look forward to brighter future.

1. Allow yourself to grieve deeply and completely.  Many of us can be fearful of the darker feelings - such as sadness, depression or anger. Don’t be afraid to recognise these feelings. I know their intensity may make you feel like they will grip your soul forever. An important point to remember and trust is that these feelings, although strong, won't last forever. Nor will they destroy or damage you. As a matter of fact, you will be in a better place emotionally once you have worked through them and set them free. You are a child of the Universe and you are not alone... ask for support and it will be given.

2. Acknowledge your grief for the future you thought your relationship once had. When people make a commitment to each other, many dreams and hopes are created. These are not easy or simple to let go of, as we use our hopes and dreams to guide our future. Consider the dreams and hopes you had in your relationship - then deliberately and separately grieve for each one. Know that your dreams and hopes are not dead. You will recreate them again with or without someone else. Keep the faith.

3. Spend time with the people in your life who know how to listen to your feelings with complete love and acceptance. During recovery from a breakup or any devastating loss it is critical for you to be allowed to speak your mind as often as you need to. Many people are uncomfortable listening to other peoples sad and sombre emotions as they may be afraid of being overtaken by them. This is the reason why seemingly loving, caring people often try to solve our problems for us or "fix" us when we share our painful feelings. It's important that you are not interrupted or given advice as speaking and/or talking it out is a large part of how you heal. You are love and you are loved.

4. Do your best to understand what happened in the relationship.  For you to be able to come to terms with the breakup and to move on to creating a wonderful life, you need to understand what happened to cause it. This is where you will have to be extremely honest with yourself. It does you no good to blame your ex or yourself. You need to clearly understand the dynamic you both created together and clearly trace the threads of the events that led to the animosity or the cooling off within the relationship. We are all learning here....

5. Understand why you chose your former partner. We choose relationships for many different reasons, the most popular being "love." But what many consider to be "in love" is not really love at all. Here are some of the reasons why people choose each other:

·         A deep need to be wanted

·         A lifelong struggle to meet someone and "save" them or "change" them

·         The fear of being alone

·         An infatuation

·         Material security

·         For the good of the children

If you can openly and honestly examine and understand why you chose your partner you most likely will be able to see the beginnings of the breakup at the start of the relationship. You will also start to build understanding which will enable you to choose differently the next time around.

6. Forgive your partner, forgive yourself. Now it is time to forgive. Understand that you and your partner did the best you could. Understand that even when you were doing things to hurt each other, it was still the best you could do at the time. Perhaps these painful actions came out of self-defense or self-preservation. Maybe they came out of revenge for the pain you were feeling the other was inflicting. Forgiveness is a sure way to free yourself and to go forward towards   a wonderful life in the future.

7. It is best to create a distance between you and your ex-partner. One thing that is so difficult about a breakup is no longer having the other person around, no longer having your best friend and confidant. It is difficult to let go of the everyday interactions and the friendship. However, if you are to fully heal, it is better for you to create between three to six months of no contact with your former partner (or as little contact as possible if you have children together). This will give you the opportunity to grieve and work through your feelings. It will also allow the relationship between you and your ex-partner to begin again (if at all) on a different footing.

8. Make the effort to create a support group. Going through a breakup means you have just lost your best friend and partner. You need to be listened to. You need to know that you are wanted and loved. For these reasons, having a support group is critical to your recovery. This group can be a religious/spiritual group, an online community or a group of friends whom you can ask to support you. Make sure they clearly know you need their support and how you need to be supported.

9. Resolve to learn everything about yourself and your relationships. If you aim to create a better relationship in the future, without repeating the same mistakes, you need to understand and examine every aspect of relationships and how you act within them. You need to know what you want in a relationship, what kind of partner would be best suited to you, what you absolutely need in order to feel satisfied, and what you absolutely will not accept.

10. Take special care of yourself during the process.  Breakup or divorce recovery is a stressful, painful and life-changing process. When we are going through fundamental life changes, we must take care great of ourselves. A good rule of thumb is to treat yourself as if you have a bit of a cold. Try to delegate or reduce your workload, eat well, exercise and get lots of rest. Adding in extras like a massage, taking a creative class, and doing activities that you consider fun will also help on the road to recovery. Take the time to be with yourself...walk in nature, go to the beach, the forest - feel nature supporting you ...

Although recovering from divorce or a breakup is not easy, you will succeed and come out of it having learnt some valuable lessons - and will be better equipped for a new and happier future. All the answers lie within you.... Have faith, believe in yourself, you will be whole again.

I send you my love and wish you total peace, harmony and fulfilment in the next phase of this life... and beyond! xxx